Mistakes. Sin.

Mistakes. Sin.

Two words I am far too familar with that continue to be a part of my life. It seems that I cannot dispose of either of them. The more I try, the harder my flesh fights. For awhile I had a relapse. Sin that once consumed my life started to take hold again. Sin that I had repented of seemed to slowly creep back into my life. It all just made me angry, frustrated and very confused. But then I realized, I have hope.

My hope is in Christ.

To be honest, I am a walking disaster. I sin all the time, I make mistakes and I am so far from perfect. And although old sins started to consume me once again, I realized that it was due to my lack of desire for Jesus and the gospel. I kept putting myself in situations that I knew I would fail in because I did not want truth. I chose deceit and sin over truth and love. Something I have been doing since birth.
But my hope is in Christ. I am sealed with the spirit to be lead by the spirit. I have been redeemed, saved and am being sanctified. I may have fallen in love with Jesus recently, but He has loved me all along. If I could only engrave this into my heart and remember it daily, my life would change. I need to remember truth and stop pursuing worldly things that only bring about death.

 So, whenever sin starts to make way, I now resort to three steps.
1. I preach myself the gospel, every hour of every day. I repeat what I know is true about God and slowly the sin, the doubts and fleshly desires don't seem so overwhelming anymore.
2. I pray all the time. If I don't have the desire to pray, I pray that God will give me the desire to want to. I pray while I'm in the car, on the bus, walking to class and anytime possible. And I now feel God's presence so much more throughout my day.
3. I also have fellow believers along side me in this battle. They hold me accountable, encourage me and love me in an unbelievable way. The body is so important and we were made to come along side each other in this life to live out the gospel together as a family. This is crucial.

Although I will never live a sinless life, I find that preaching the gospel, praying and community has helped me tremendously with repenting of sin and knowing what is true. I am just praying that God continually increases my love and desires for Him, so that I can live life in a manner worthy of the gospel.

What's The Story?

My life was empty. Full of void. I knew something was missing, that something just wasn’t right. My heart had a huge empty abyss that only seemed to get larger. I fully believed that in order to attain happiness and to fill this gigantic gaping hole, that I should fill it with things that I thought I needed. So thus began my journey. My journey to feel satisfied and complete.

I began this journey by filling that empty void with alcohol, a relationship and material things. The more I filled, the more empty I felt. Nothing ever seemed to make me happy or seemed to satisfy. I resorted to abusing myself. I cut, to relieve the hurt, the emotions and the emptiness. I had called myself a Christian, without ever knowing what that really looked like. It was just a title. 

One night, after a day of partying, fighting with my family and the breaking up of a relationship, I was hurt. So I resorted to the thing that always made me feel better. Cutting. As I began, I felt twisted. I knew that this was not helping, but only hurting and bringing pain. As I sat there broken and confused, I began to pray. I asked God if he existed, there was no response. I asked him to reveal himself to me, there was nothing. I sat there defeated. I had finally given up. I felt that I had tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing satisfied me or gave me happiness. 

I sought everything, but the one who created everything.

This is when I actually felt something, something I’ve never been able to describe. Happiness. Joy. Surrender. Completeness. The feelings were indescribable, like a massive mix of emotions suddenly invaded my heart and truly changed me. I finally felt complete and the empty hole that always haunted me, was full. I knew instantly that I was loved, by the creator of the universe. I was given grace, although I was so undeserving. I am forever changed, not by a decision, or praying a prayer but because Jesus pursued me. God gave me a new heart. I have joy like never before and I can say that I am truly and completely happy.